Alpha and omega

It started with a phone conversation I felt led to have but I got off the

phone confused as to why I called this person. Honestly, a tear fell from my face and I was

certainly confused about where it came from.

Hmm. Lord, what is that?

So I began to write. I soon realized I was “peeling back the

layers”. Something I haven’t done in almost a month now. Anywho…

God told me to consider my pursuit of validation and attention. First I wanted to be in

denial but the way he pieced it together as I wrote, it only had to be from God himself.

Oftentimes we feel overlooked. We feel as if people don’t notice our suffering. So

what we end up doing is pursuing attention and validation in ways that one wouldn’t admit.

Several instances were growing up when I felt like no one recognized that I was battling

with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Eventually, I was acting out in every way

possible. Monday to Friday, week after week I was getting in trouble for some of

everything. I did not notice how bad I had gotten until I set a trash can on fire unprovoked.

Looking back and realizing some of the things I often did…. It was simply a cry for help and no

one heard me. No one seemed to notice. Once I found a method that got me the

attention I felt would fill the void… I tapped into that method almost every chance that I

could. I ended up popping pills and smoking weed to mask the pain. In hopes that

someone..anyone would see that I was suffering.

All these habits became a coping mechanism until I found one that felt better and had

less trouble. Fornication. I allowed men to do whatever it was they wanted to do to me.

Then I soon found out after my first child that I was extremely fertile. Abortion after abortion, I

became more heartless than the last one. I wanted validation from a man but definitely not

another baby from one of them. I could not bear going through the things I went through with

my first pregnancy a second… Fourth or eighth time. I had to become cold to the idea of a

child but still not have the self-respect to put an end to fornication. Because at this point it

is all I know. It is how I knew to get attention. It is how I finally felt accepted.

Bare with me I am going to bring it all together in a moment but first I have to set the

scene.

Ever since middle school, I felt less than everyone. I had less than everyone. I was

one of the few whose parents were no longer married. One of the few who didn’t have new

things every other week. One of the few who couldn’t manage to get a boyfriend so early on.

What I ended up doing was finding a way to fit in. A way to pursue attention and validation.

Being a troublemaker made so much sense. It worked in my favor. Plus My Mom never

whipped me about it so why not? Right? I took this way of thinking into high school and was

striving off of this image I made in my adolescent years. Time and time again I was skating

past the radar and still no one noticed something was terribly wrong. I often blame it on me

being a very private person but I don’t know.

As time went on my body began to get me attention. Finally, I wanted some form of

attention whether good or bad. I took my attention and ran with it every time. I have ended up

placing my value in what I look like physically which is why when I gain weight I feel like I am

not meeting my potential. I no longer want to take pictures, be in videos, or be seen really.

The funny thing is in middle school I would take pictures all the time then I allowed some

roughneck boys to convince me that I wasn’t meeting the beauty standards so I stopped

taking pictures. Still to this day, I don’t take pictures as often as I’d like. And when I do I like

to take them with no filter in hopes that if I get attention off of the pictures… I didn’t paint a

false narrative with filters or makeup.

All in all, I say all of that to say that my heart all of my life has been just wanting to

know that someone cares. I tend to be the person who cares about everyone. Their

well-being and everything concerning them. I wouldn’t dare want a person to feel like no one

cares about them… Not if I can help it.

After peeling the layers back I know where this pursuit of validation came from. But

after finally passing through my Egypt… I believe now I know how to conquer this giant.

I have been flying at low altitudes for long enough. It is time I face this mountain and

help others face it as well. The Lord revealed to me that this mountain’s name is insecurity.

Rooted from rejection. I said “Lord.. ME ? INSECURE? NAH”, like right. He’s not a liar… I am

just in denial.

First and foremost how dare I be seeking validation from humans when God already

validated me in his word. That just simply means I have no true revelation of how he has

validated me. Attention from the Lord should be the only attention one should be seeking.

Why wasn’t God enough for me?

There were so many voids. Still, to this day there are voids that I have to let God fill.

The only way to bounce back from feeling less than, feeling unseen, feeling unheard and

feeling like no one cares, feeling like you have to cause trouble to get attention, feeling like

you have to lay down to feel loved; is having a true encounter with the King. And then from

there pursuing a relationship with him day after day and knowing what he says about you in

his word (the bible) and being assured of that. As time goes on you will feel those voids begin

to leave as if they were never there. Personally, my voids caused me to be the strong woman

I am today. It is still very much a process before I am completely healed in all those broken

areas from my past. But every day I strive to fill in the gaps with the one who died for me. The one who

took my issues to the cross with him. The one who defeated everything that was ever said

about me before I was even born.

He is the potter and I am the clay. He can and will make you whole. The eye I am an

apple to. He sees the beauty in you even when you don’t see it. He is the shepherd and I

am the sheep. He can and will guide you wherever you go, if you let him. He is the branch

and I am the vine. He can and will keep me in place, keeps me from losing my grip on life…

through his will for it. He is my father and I am his daughter. I call him Abba. Alpha and

Omega. The author and finisher of my story. Will you allow him to write yours?

-A.H., 24 years old.

-Brianna F.